


i thought of you (so i didn't have to think of myself)

by Umberknux



Category: Paladins: Champions Of The Realm (Video Game)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 00:03:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17632304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umberknux/pseuds/Umberknux
Summary: tyra has been plagued by memories of the magistrate for years, and cassie happens to have a direct link to her past.





	i thought of you (so i didn't have to think of myself)

**Author's Note:**

> hi, @kinessie here. this was gonna be a self-indulgent kinessie fic but i got really emo about the sentinels, wrote a large portion of this at 2am so take that as you will.

I thumbed at the old wolf insignia on a metal coin I kept beside my bed. Cassie called me through to eat and I stared at her for a second before roughly throwing the past into a drawer.

I watch over Cassie a lot, I feel like it was my duty to keep an eye on her, after being the one to bring her in. I had bad memories associated with taking a mentor role again, Cassie changed my view.

She’s an amazing girl. She’s smart and friendly, always greeting me with a smile. Her combat skills are second to none, even without formal training. Cassie is absolutely an asset to the Resistance. Valera has commented on that fact many a time. I felt pride burn in my chest seeing her up front next to Valera during battles.

Through the time I’d spent with Cassie, I understood more about her quirks and personality. I’d picked up on most mannerisms of the Paladins as we were very tight-knit. Ying runs her hands through her hair when talking and talks to you like you’re the most important person in the world. Inara paces back and forth in the boardroom when she’s taking time to grieve. Cassie wears her heart on her sleeve, she expresses herself so clearly, her eyes were an open book of her emotions.

So it became apparent to me when she started acting… Out of sorts.

I noticed it first around six months ago when she came back from a patrol with joy in her eyes and a smile on her face. I asked why. _“Buck told me a great story earlier today!”_ Buck had been spending the last 48 hours up the mountain after he and I got into another Sentinels-themed argument. I chalked Cassie’s mistake up to a simple slip of the tongue.

Cassie had been keeping to herself recently, only slightly more than usual, only enough that I’d noticed. She’d talk and laugh with Zigs for long stretches or write much longer entries in her journal. One day she put her pen down after seven straight minutes of writing. I asked what was on her mind. _“Guess I’ve just been more in-tune with my emotions, recently.”_

I walked into her bunk the other day and she was no where to be seen, but I reached down and found a scrap piece of paper with long lines and looped words. Cassie wrote poetry. She wrote one for me, once, but that was short and uninspired. This, however, spoke of a place of peace and serenity. _“Beneath the trees where my love is unchained and paints the night sky,”_ I’d never understood poetry, but I could almost see her soul in this piece.

Last week Valera had us all in the boardroom to discuss an upcoming rally in a village three towns over. It was simply another plan to encourage un-allied settlements to sway their opinions in the way of the Resistance. We all stood, nodding along. I noticed Cassie fidgeting. _“How about we do this the week after?”_ Valera raised an eyebrow at her. _“Well… Zigs noticed a storm upcoming. We’d be travelling in poor conditions and the village will be boarded up.”_ Valera told her that Magistrate occupied areas were creeping closer and closer, and we may not have another opportunity. Cassie dug her fingernails into the wooden round table but said nothing.

Valera agreed in the end to push the rally to the end of the week, although she showed distress in the question if the Magistrate had already sent their forces in this direction. I didn’t want Magistrate blood on my hands today, but I would fight with pride if I must.

We walked through the village which was almost sheltered by forest. I looked up and admired the sunlight peeking through the tall canopies. I could hear Inara behind me taking slower steps as she herself spent time with the nature. People of the village started to emerge from their homes as the Paladins made their way closer to the centre. Cassie was looking back and forth between the trees, not in a lingering, admiring way, her eyes darted.

The mayor of the town had walked up to Valera. His robes were expensive and embellished with intricate design, his beard long but well-kept, his posture straight and attentive. He almost looked too regal to be from such a small settlement. Valera gave him a speech similar to ones she’s told to many before. While everyone else stood calm in this seemingly safe village, Cassie was almost alarmingly on-edge. Her hand gripped her crossbow until her knuckles turned white.

Something had to be going on.

That’s when it happened. The mayor took a step away from Valera and immediately a bullet shot through the air and through his skull. Chaos ensued. All of us drew our weapons and the villagers ran around in a frenzy. Ying and Buck tried desperately to calm them and get them back into their homes. Valera pointed her sword in the direction of the bullet, but Cassie piped up and stared in the opposite direction. _“I see them! Over there!”_ That was enough for Valera to take off in the said direction. Sha Lin got himself onto a nearby roof and then into the trees ahead, giving chase.

Cassie was lying. I knew she was. She uses small, almost unnoticeable hand movements to direct Zigs. And as she spoke to direct the others, I saw her left hand curl backwards. Zigs had gone in the correct direction. I should have called her out then and there, but I didn’t, I felt like she was my responsibility. I rushed off with the others for a few seconds, then turned back to see Cassie running after Zigs. I followed behind and tried not to be noticed.

The huntress ran for a while until she reached a slightly open clearing that Zigs hovered over, I flattened myself behind a tree. _“Nessa?”_ She yelled. _“Fuck.”_ She hissed. I’d never heard her swear. A twig snapped and a thud sounded on the forest floor, my curiosity lead me to peek around the trunk and I almost got whiplash at the speed I turned right back.

Kinessa. We were in the Sentinels together. We trained together. Lived together. All of us. And now she was here, after five long years, standing in front of the woman I mentor now just like I mentored before.

 _“I’m here. You okay?”_ Spoke the voice that cut into my memory like a knife. _“Me?”_ Spoke the other. _“We were all there! They could’ve killed you! I covered for you!”_

Things were starting to fall into place. I could only think of the obvious: Kinessa killed the mayor.

 _“Shit. I’m sorry. You don’t need to do that for me, I could have gotten away.”_ Kinessa spoke with a softness I’d never heard before. I remembered her tone as brash, always either excited or mad. I felt a pang in my chest at the unfamiliarity.

 _“Look.”_ Cassie audibly sighed. _“I’m just glad you’re alive.”_ There was a moment of silence, I peeked past the tree once again and everything finally made sense. The solo patrols, the late-night monologuing, the long-winded journal entries. It was all for Kinessa. It always was. The two embraced and the once larger than life, reckless and dangerous bounty hunter almost looked small next to Cassie.

I didn’t know what to do in the moment. A part of me strived for justice, to confront Kinessa about the murder, to question Cassie’s loyalty to the Paladins. I wanted to raise my rifle at Kinessa and tell her we all felt lost without her. I wanted to see her face contort after telling her I put a bullet in Strix’s arm only two months after I pledged into the Resistance. I wanted her to feel the pain she had inadvertently caused.

But that wasn’t fair? Was it?

That all happened years ago. Now today I see Cassie smiling and writing poetry on scraps of paper. The neutral grounds she spoke so delicately of were never of a place but of a person. War had raised the hackles of everyone and if Cassie had truly found a place to exist comfortably for a while, then did I really have the heart to stop her?

Looking back just one more time I noticed the large scar across Kinessa’s right arm and remembered the face of the gorlock who cut it. The scars on my stomach told the same story. As if she could hear my thoughts, Cassie reached over and trailed her thumb over Kinessa’s scar. It was almost as if she was acknowledging she carried memories in the past, but that they, together, lived in the present.

War was messy, confusing. It bred grudges, anger.

Four years ago I wouldn’t have walked away from that clearing as I did, leaving Cassie behind. I fear I would have killed Kinessa there and then, blaming her for ruining the only hapiness I had. Cassie was a better person than me, I couldn’t pretend that I knew everything about her, but I knew that for sure. It was time for me to take my place in the present. It may have not been politically right, but protecting Cassie was morally right, it was something I wanted to do.

In the coming months, whenever Cassie came in late and I saw her giddy and grinning, I covered for her. Said to Valera she was on a patrol set by me. I talked with Buck, getting out into the open all the bottled up emotion I had of the past, and that was then settled. Tensions rose higher and higher, clashes with the Magistrate had left some of us wounded and angry.

One night, Cassie headed for the door with a bag slung over her shoulders. I spotted her and she looked at me like a deer in the headlights.

_“Tyra! I-“_

_Go_. I told her. And she went, seeking the comfort and answers we couldn’t provide.

I opened my drawer and picked up the metal coin inside. It was rusted, it’s status and dignity long lost. Buck found his freedom in worship, Kinessa and Cassie found theirs in love. I think I was about to find my freedom in a way unique to me.

I went to place the coin back but hesitated, I slipped it into my pocket and felt it press against a scar that I would carry with me, always.

A door opened.


End file.
